Fake headlines.

We occasionally need some comic relief, especially mid day recently.

Groupon rallies after deal announcing that Kate Upton will teach YOU how to Dougie. $GRPN

Apple rallies after announcing it will pay its workers enough to be able to afford their products, if all their bunk mates pool their money together. $AAPL

GM rallies after it agrees to keep only as many workers as number of Chevy Volts sold. Reducing head count to 6. $GM

NFP reports improve, lowering unemployment rate on the mass hiring by Buzzfeed and companies producing political commercials. $MACRO

Rackspace rallies as Business Insider vows to remove “view as one page” and forces employees to post cute animal pictures every other post instead of the previously mandated every 5th post. $RAX

AOL rallies after switching to a non-profit organization, investors hoping the switch in vision will increase bottom line.  Additionally they found a huge cache of betamax tapes which they plan to sell to hipsters and the people of Cleveland at a significant mark up. $AOL

Priceline rallies after William Shatner agrees to step down, management pressured him after deciding he is not creepy enough and will be replaced by the Burger King guy. $PCLN

General Electric rallies on news that Jack Donaghy will take over as CEO of NBC.  Jack Welsh was asked not to consult but will do so anyways, his desk will be next to Milton Waddams.  $GE

Gold rallies as blogs, shitty talk radio, and anyone who should not be allowed 1st amendment privileges who has a gold reseller as their sponsor is forced to buy at least a single American Buffalo coin. $GLD

That is all I have, please note these are obviously fake and written in 5 minutes.  Truth and likelihood were harmed in the making of this post.

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